Emotions
These past couple of days have been an emotional challenge for me. I have decided to write here on my blog what I wrote in my journal on Saturday night. What I am sharing with you now are my uncensored feelings and thoughts about my experiences here in Rwanda…
“I’m not being honest with myself. I’m not facing the realities of what I’ve been experiencing. I have not allowed myself to really reflect about what I have encountered. Basically, I think I am hiding from the horrors that surround me.
Today the Team had a meeting. One of our members started to cry as she explained how she has been trying to get her head around the brutality of the genocide. It was through her tears that I realized I have not been true to my own emotions. I have not allowed myself to cry. Every time I thought I would cry over the past few days, I held back. I did not want to appear vulnerable in front of the others…
I have felt weak this whole trip. I have felt as though I have been holding the Team back, starting with my illness at the beginning of our trip. I’m not thinking straight, my mind is in jumbles. My inability to cope, I think, is now coming through when I sleep. I have had nightmares every night…
I have been hiding behind the stories, behind the facts. The pure brutality of things haunts the back of my mind. I’m not sure what will happen to me if I allow myself to REALLY think on things… I’m not sure I’m capable of handling it.
My skin color has become a new reality for me. Every day, several times a day, I hear people calling out Mzungu at me. I have never set myself apart because of race and I realize that I live in a society where people with white skin are favored over others. I am now in the clear minority here. It feels weird, disconcerting, upsetting, to constantly be set apart by those around me. I did not choose my skin color. I did not implement the race-based society we live in in America. So why is it that I now feel as though all the burdens of the past have been placed on my shoulders?
I also feel a great burden to help the people of Rwanda. As a face, a person to connect with, I feel I am seen as the American who is here to help. Everyone looks to us with great expectations. I had no idea that by my coming here, the people would see such hope and opportunities for their future. I came here to learn, but now I feel that my purpose is much greater than that. But what is it that I can personally offer to the people, aside from my love, compassion, and belief in their abilities? None of this can help provide for them or make their lives any better. Can it?
Another thing I struggle with daily is religion. I am surrounded by Christians, people who quote Scripture and carry their Bibles. The Pastor who has given so much of his time has asked what church we all go to, what religion we are, if we are Christians… Because he has given us so much, I want to make sure to give back to him in some way. And I do not want to let him down. In this area, however, I feel I am constantly disappointing him… I know no scripture, no prayers, no blessings, no hymns… I feel as though I have nothing to offer in helping to prepare for the Sunday School lesson we are to give next week… I am reminded daily in some way of my inadequacy in this area…
Inadequacy is a good word for what I am feeling on many levels. My inability to handle these experiences and lack of knowledge of many things leaves me without initiative. Where I normally lead, I now follow. I made this trip happen in many ways, and now that I am here I am unsure of what direction to take, which questions to ask, who to go to for assistance…
I know deep in my heart and mind that I am a strong person, that I am a unique individual with many special talents and capabilities. Right now, however, I am not sure of myself or my surroundings.
I am exhausted…”
Day by day, things get a little better for me. It took me a week to figure out my own feelings and emotions, and it will take me time to now cope with them. This is a learning experience on so many levels, and I’m not quite sure I expected this. But I am here, and will be for two and a half weeks. I will learn to cope, to manage, to overcome…
I miss you all. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me enough to read through my blog. J Until later…
“I’m not being honest with myself. I’m not facing the realities of what I’ve been experiencing. I have not allowed myself to really reflect about what I have encountered. Basically, I think I am hiding from the horrors that surround me.
Today the Team had a meeting. One of our members started to cry as she explained how she has been trying to get her head around the brutality of the genocide. It was through her tears that I realized I have not been true to my own emotions. I have not allowed myself to cry. Every time I thought I would cry over the past few days, I held back. I did not want to appear vulnerable in front of the others…
I have felt weak this whole trip. I have felt as though I have been holding the Team back, starting with my illness at the beginning of our trip. I’m not thinking straight, my mind is in jumbles. My inability to cope, I think, is now coming through when I sleep. I have had nightmares every night…
I have been hiding behind the stories, behind the facts. The pure brutality of things haunts the back of my mind. I’m not sure what will happen to me if I allow myself to REALLY think on things… I’m not sure I’m capable of handling it.
My skin color has become a new reality for me. Every day, several times a day, I hear people calling out Mzungu at me. I have never set myself apart because of race and I realize that I live in a society where people with white skin are favored over others. I am now in the clear minority here. It feels weird, disconcerting, upsetting, to constantly be set apart by those around me. I did not choose my skin color. I did not implement the race-based society we live in in America. So why is it that I now feel as though all the burdens of the past have been placed on my shoulders?
I also feel a great burden to help the people of Rwanda. As a face, a person to connect with, I feel I am seen as the American who is here to help. Everyone looks to us with great expectations. I had no idea that by my coming here, the people would see such hope and opportunities for their future. I came here to learn, but now I feel that my purpose is much greater than that. But what is it that I can personally offer to the people, aside from my love, compassion, and belief in their abilities? None of this can help provide for them or make their lives any better. Can it?
Another thing I struggle with daily is religion. I am surrounded by Christians, people who quote Scripture and carry their Bibles. The Pastor who has given so much of his time has asked what church we all go to, what religion we are, if we are Christians… Because he has given us so much, I want to make sure to give back to him in some way. And I do not want to let him down. In this area, however, I feel I am constantly disappointing him… I know no scripture, no prayers, no blessings, no hymns… I feel as though I have nothing to offer in helping to prepare for the Sunday School lesson we are to give next week… I am reminded daily in some way of my inadequacy in this area…
Inadequacy is a good word for what I am feeling on many levels. My inability to handle these experiences and lack of knowledge of many things leaves me without initiative. Where I normally lead, I now follow. I made this trip happen in many ways, and now that I am here I am unsure of what direction to take, which questions to ask, who to go to for assistance…
I know deep in my heart and mind that I am a strong person, that I am a unique individual with many special talents and capabilities. Right now, however, I am not sure of myself or my surroundings.
I am exhausted…”
Day by day, things get a little better for me. It took me a week to figure out my own feelings and emotions, and it will take me time to now cope with them. This is a learning experience on so many levels, and I’m not quite sure I expected this. But I am here, and will be for two and a half weeks. I will learn to cope, to manage, to overcome…
I miss you all. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me enough to read through my blog. J Until later…
posted by Cari | 12:19 AM
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